When My Best Friend Says She Wants to Start a Match.com for Dogs

How My Grandchildren Will Take Care of Me

How I'd Like to Be Remembered in Times of Conflict

How I Make Sure I Don't Walk Home Alone Late at Night

When I Woke Up From a Nap and Thought Everyone Had Been Raptured

After I Eat An Entire Pizza By Myself

How Robbe Greets His Best Friend

If I Find Out the Pizza Delivery Man Got Another Job

Putting Suntan Lotion On

As a kid:

As an adult:

When I Give Advice to Anyone Younger Than Me

When I Say Goodbye...

To my friends:

To people I just met:

When I Quit Eating Junk Food

5 minutes later...

If My Best Friend Asks If We Are Seeing The Great Gatsby Together

If I Have a Glass of Wine By Myself

If Someone Asks If I Speak English

How I should reply:

How I actually reply:

When Robbe Refuses to Snuggle with Me

If Someone Brings In Cookies to Work

Some people:

Me:

When My 4-Year-Old Nephew Asks for a Piggy Back Ride

If My Boss Assigns a Project to Me

Me to my boss:

Me to my team:

When Someone Describes What Kind of Hot Dog They Ordered

Most people:

Me:

If Another Girl Karaokes My Signature Song

When Robbe Lectures Me About Having Road Rage

If I'm in the Buffet Line and Someone Tries to Make Conversation

If Someone Asks to See a Hidden Talent

Normal people:

Me:

If Someone Walks Away From Me While I'm Still Talking

If I'm at a Wedding and the Best Man Speech is Really Boring

When I Tried Yoga For the First Time

Me After Every Episode of 'The Wire'

When I'm Walking Down the Aisle as Matron of Honor at My Best Friend's Wedding

Normal people:

Me:

If I Go For a Walk

For exercise:

When there's food involved at the end:

"What Is Korean's" Marketing Strategy

Putting on Jeans for the First Time After Living in Leggings

How Couples Define Fun

Most People:

Me and Robbe:

If the Pizza Delivery Man Is in Trouble

If Robbe Comes Home Much Later Than Expected

How to Tell People They Need to Stop Talking

Everyone else:

Me:

Trying to Walk After My Leg Has Fallen Asleep

If I Find Out All My Friends Are Going Out Without Me

If Someone Bumps Into My Best Friend Without Saying "Excuse Me"